Goodbye, Dance

It's been a beautiful, bittersweet, incredible two-and-a-half years.

I remember wishing it would never, never end. I remember thinking that I was SO happy, that I could spend my whole life just like this.

As they say, all good things come to an end.

The pain hasn't hit yet. I'm holding it at bay. I'm going to try to lose myself in WoW, in friends, in whatever distraction I can find.

I don't suppose I can blame him. Hell, who's to blame in any situation like this? Do I despise him for loving his girlfriend so much? Do I curse the fates that they broke up? Do I fall into deep despair because he wants to move to the UK to be with her?

I suppose I'll have to learn to let go myself. Yes, he was a fantastic partner. We hit it off so well, we had such great times, we were friends as well as dance partners. I couldn't ask for a better one, and there has never been a better one.

And so it's moving on time. He may not want to move on: he'll cling to his relationship with her to his last breath. Which is why I'm forced to move on.

It makes me wonder... if I was forced to choose, what would I do? It's not a matter between love and dance. I love dance. Dance is my Grand Passion, my great love, eversince I was a child. Dance was here before any man.

I guess this is where our paths diverge. I knew from the beginning that his hunger was not as great as mine, that the fire did not burn as bright. Besides his girlfriend on a high pedestal, he often puts work first. Priority Number One. And then there's all work-related activities.

We haven't had a decent practice since April, more than two months ago. First was his trip to the US (work-related, as usual), then he was moved to a different project where he was so busy he hardly had time to breathe, much less dance. And now the girlfriend.

Am I complaining? Do I even have a right to? Hell, yes. As his dance partner, I'm entitled to SOMETHING. Some small part of his priorities. I don't expect him to put his life on hold, but I've spent more time than I want to think about just waiting... waiting for him to call or sms to let me know whether he can make it for practice, or for a dance-related function we'd agreed to attend ages ago.

Maybe I should be grateful that I had the prep time before the big blow. I have a reasonably soft landing. For two months now, things haven't been quite right. We haven't practiced much, I haven't seen much of him, and when I do, he's exhausted and morose. We haven't talked in a long time.

So, counting my blessings, at least this didn't hit me from out of nowhere and knock me over senseless.

Do I start the hunt for a new partner immediately? Do I wait it out? No, enough waiting.

I WILL dance again, someday, with someone. Hopefully that someone will be a wonderful person too, but we'll see.

(I just realised I'm always upstaged by unwitting girlfriends. My partner before him also left me because he wanted to dance with his spanking new girlfriend. As I predicted (not to him, of course) it didn't work out. And then he tells me he should have stuck to me. Tell me something I DON'T know. Men always make such messes of themselves and their lives.)

I need to get away. I need some time out. I don't want to think. I don't want to feel.

Coz, man, it's gonna hurt like bloody hell.