Dancing Durians

A silver lining

2009-05-11T04:05:00.000-07:00

I don't want to count my chickens before they hatch, but I may be back on the dance floor really soon.

It's been one year. One long year.

They say when God blesses, he blesses in twos. Sure seems like the case here. Within 30 minutes... 30 minutes on the same darned day... I had not one, but TWO potential dance partners. Pretty darned amazing.

Now to make the decision, and make it fast. Simply because I can't wait to get back on the floor, and because I refuse to be stupid and let this opportunity slip away.

Should I go with my head or my heart? Should I take the fast, sure, direct route or go the slow, scenic, curving road?

I wish I had a crystal ball. I'm so bad with decisions. I hem and haw and go "what if, what if". Instead of thinking positively about the possibilities, I wonder which decision I'll come to regret more.

Darn, I need to decide! This is so consuming my thoughts that I had a dream about it last night. And I know I'll be twitchy and on edge until I pick one. Damn, woman, just CHOOSE already and live with it!

Woooo, ok. *deep breath* Gonna get on WoW for some mindless slaughter and chill out my overheated brain.

The Letter You'll Never Get To See

2008-06-20T23:16:00.000-07:00

I can't believe I'm sending another email to you even before you've replied to anything.

Really don't mean to bombard you with so many messages.

It's quite pathetic, really. It's a Friday night and I'm sitting at home trying hard not to feel sorry for myself, and pouring my heart out to a friend whose name I'm unsure of and whose face I've never seen.

At times I wonder if I made you up. Maybe you're Hobbes to my Calvin. Does that make me insane? Yeah, probably.

And yet I still write.

The gig that I mentioned to you is going on now. The gig that should have been mine. It should have been me on the floor, not some last minute replacement.

I tried to set up clubbing for tonight, just so I'd have a distraction. But it's not happening because one of the girls has gone to Germany. We'll do it when she gets back, I suppose.

And remember I said that my best friend was coming over tonight, and I was looking forward to that? Well, as my luck would have it, something happened and she's not coming after all.

And so I find myself in the very position I didn't want to be in, despite all the effort.

I like being alone. I like my own company. I can sit on my own and just read or think or do whatever for hours. But God, it's lonely tonight.

Even WoW is not as alluring, at least not without you in it. I logged off soon after you left, even though I'd planned to quest and push Vash to 49. It actually got pretty lonely without you. What have you done to me?

My dance partner and I once went to an island resort. It was beautiful and idyllic... white sand, warm breeze, swaying palm trees, gentle waves. I made him jump off the dock with me. He's too conservative, too sensible, too... safe. And then I made him dance with me at the shoreline, where the waves washed up on the sand. He lifted me on his shoulder, and I felt like I was flying. He twirled me around, we spun and twisted and stretched and laughed and had the most wonderful time. The tourists... all those Caucasians trying so diligently to tan themselves... sat up and watched, and some even cheered and applauded.

How I'm going to miss all that.

I wish it were easy to find another partner. If I could, I'd find one and start dancing again tomorrow. But I always tell people that finding the right dance partner can be more impossible than finding the right LIFE partner. People don't realise it, but there are so many things to consider. Other than height, experience and ability, there's so much more that can make a partnership brilliant, instead of just bearable.

And like love, you don't find it easily, or often.

I hate it that my dancing, my joy and passion, is so dependent on another person. I hate it that I am a much better dancer with than without a man. I hate it that I can't say "screw them all" and dance myself into my happily ever after. I guess it's the price I pay for falling for Latin dance. It seems so capricious. It gives me wild joy, it leaves me in despair. I've felt the most exquisite ecstasy, and the most crushing defeat. It gives and it takes away.

In a way, I didn't choose Latin dance, it chose me. From the minute I first saw it, I fell hard. I can't even remember the first time I saw my first boyfriend, but I remember clearly the first time I saw a couple dancing Latin. They were doing the rumba, the dance of love. Figures.

Partner dancing is so beautiful. Two bodies in motion, creating art, creating poetry, telling a story. You bring out the best your partner's capable of, you show each other off, and you use each other to make your own dancing better, and reach new heights together that you couldn't possibly achieve on your own.

Darn, got interrupted by a call on my mobile. Some guy who's been trying to get me to go out with him for the longest. Ironically, he calls me on the one Friday night that I'm available and could do with a distraction. But I'm really not in the mood to socialise, put on my happy face and make light conversation with someone I barely know. And now I've lost my thoughts.

Ok, now I know this email is not going to get sent to you. Somewhere along the way, it turned into another ranting diary entry. Maybe I'll edit it and put it up on my blog. The shallow satisfaction of baring my soul in anonymity, lost in the noise and buzz of the web.

In this tiny way, we’re alike, you and I. Sometimes, I just NEED to write, even if it’s just for myself and never read by another human eye. I have to, or I’ll a) explode, b) be depressed or c) go stark raving mad.

I suppose one of the reasons you won't be reading this is because it's so full of me, me, me and the great big morass of negativity I'm wallowing in right now. I like to think I'm a good listener. And a good listener hears with her heart, not just her ears. And she hears what's not said. Which is why I felt your heartache when you told me everything that was bothering you the other day. I'd like to think I shared your pain, and in that way made it more bearable. A shared burden is a lighter burden, isn't it?

So while I was still aching from your break up and your problems with your boss (the nasty little prick), along comes my dance partner's break up (what a melodramatic disaster that was) and my own subsequent problem, which is the loss of said dance partner. It all culminated into what I'm feeling now.

And I'd spare you this whole unwanted piece of junk if I can. And I will. Just in case you're as good and involved a listener as I am. :)

I want to have a picture of you so I'll know you're real, and so that it's not so lonely tonight. But you won't know that.

Goodbye, Dance

2008-06-18T21:05:00.000-07:00

It's been a beautiful, bittersweet, incredible two-and-a-half years.

I remember wishing it would never, never end. I remember thinking that I was SO happy, that I could spend my whole life just like this.

As they say, all good things come to an end.

The pain hasn't hit yet. I'm holding it at bay. I'm going to try to lose myself in WoW, in friends, in whatever distraction I can find.

I don't suppose I can blame him. Hell, who's to blame in any situation like this? Do I despise him for loving his girlfriend so much? Do I curse the fates that they broke up? Do I fall into deep despair because he wants to move to the UK to be with her?

I suppose I'll have to learn to let go myself. Yes, he was a fantastic partner. We hit it off so well, we had such great times, we were friends as well as dance partners. I couldn't ask for a better one, and there has never been a better one.

And so it's moving on time. He may not want to move on: he'll cling to his relationship with her to his last breath. Which is why I'm forced to move on.

It makes me wonder... if I was forced to choose, what would I do? It's not a matter between love and dance. I love dance. Dance is my Grand Passion, my great love, eversince I was a child. Dance was here before any man.

I guess this is where our paths diverge. I knew from the beginning that his hunger was not as great as mine, that the fire did not burn as bright. Besides his girlfriend on a high pedestal, he often puts work first. Priority Number One. And then there's all work-related activities.

We haven't had a decent practice since April, more than two months ago. First was his trip to the US (work-related, as usual), then he was moved to a different project where he was so busy he hardly had time to breathe, much less dance. And now the girlfriend.

Am I complaining? Do I even have a right to? Hell, yes. As his dance partner, I'm entitled to SOMETHING. Some small part of his priorities. I don't expect him to put his life on hold, but I've spent more time than I want to think about just waiting... waiting for him to call or sms to let me know whether he can make it for practice, or for a dance-related function we'd agreed to attend ages ago.

Maybe I should be grateful that I had the prep time before the big blow. I have a reasonably soft landing. For two months now, things haven't been quite right. We haven't practiced much, I haven't seen much of him, and when I do, he's exhausted and morose. We haven't talked in a long time.

So, counting my blessings, at least this didn't hit me from out of nowhere and knock me over senseless.

Do I start the hunt for a new partner immediately? Do I wait it out? No, enough waiting.

I WILL dance again, someday, with someone. Hopefully that someone will be a wonderful person too, but we'll see.

(I just realised I'm always upstaged by unwitting girlfriends. My partner before him also left me because he wanted to dance with his spanking new girlfriend. As I predicted (not to him, of course) it didn't work out. And then he tells me he should have stuck to me. Tell me something I DON'T know. Men always make such messes of themselves and their lives.)

I need to get away. I need some time out. I don't want to think. I don't want to feel.

Coz, man, it's gonna hurt like bloody hell.

Life is Bizarre

2007-06-04T21:34:00.000-07:00

Read in one of the Malay papers this morning that some poor kid in Indonesia was killed by... get this... a Komodo dragon.

The eight year old boy went into the shrubs to do his business, and suddenly this big lizard rushes up, bites him on the hip (according to the paper lah. 'Pinggang' probably sounds better than 'buntut'), shakes him from side to side and probably tried to eat him.

His fisherman uncle saw what happened and started throwing rocks at the reptile. It let go and the boy managed to make a dash for it. Unfortunately, he died from blood loss later.

How bizarre is that???

There hadn't been any death by Komodo dragons in 33 years, according to the article.

And it was reported that Komodo attacks on humans were rare. The locals thought it was probably because there was a shortage on the island of the lizards' usual prey.

So there he was, this skinny 8 year old kid, running around his fishing village where Komodo sightings were probably a common occurence. He decides to take a dump, goes into the jungle (which is probably a regular occurence too), squats there in the bushes, minding his own business (literally and metaphorically), and he gets this big CHOMP on his naked ass by some large scaly lizard with sharp teeth and a slimy mouth. And half an hour later, he died, just like that!

Talk about being at the wrong place at the wrong time. Poor kid. What a way to go.

I watched Pirates 3... BEFORE the world premiere!!

2007-05-23T18:49:00.000-07:00

Aren't you green with envy? Aren't you just about to choke on your jealousy?

Thank you, thank you. I'm the best. No, no, it's alright for you to say it. I acknowledge it.

It's not because of the pirates that I got to watch Pirates. (geddit, geddit???) I actually went to the cinema for this. I did not furtively sneak to my usual DVD seller.

It's thanks to one of my clients and my boss, actually. The client booked the entire theatre for some charity thing. And my boss was nice enough to ask client for more tickets so that almost everyone from the office got to go (including my brother, who just joined us three days ago for his internship. Lucky brat.)

So when the movie premiers TODAY (Thursday night), I will be laughing with glee at all those people desperately queueing to get tickets, when I watched it the night BEFORE, for FREE. Mua ha ha ha!

Shall I provide a spoiler here and just ruin the anticipation for everyone who's planning to watch the movie? Hmm, shall I?

People died (sort of), and was brought back to life (sort of).

Anyhow, the movie itself wasn't that great. So predictable of three-part movies for the first to be the best. That's the case with Matrix, the entire Batman series (except for Batman Begins, starring Christian Bale and an entirely different director) and unfortunately, Pirates of the Carribbean. The only trilogy that consistently got better and better right up till the last bit of the third instalment is Lord of The Rings. But that movie is in a class of its own. (Spiderman was just a major flop all the way through. After watching #2 on TV, the bunch of us couldn't even be bothered with #3.)

Pirates 3 was too fantastical, too out-of-this-world (literally and figuratively), too unreal. The first one, Curse of the Black Pearl, was darned good fun, and all about crazy, drunk, swashbuckling pirates wreaking havoc across the seven seas. Throw in some undead and unkillable and you have a nice mix of wild adventure, comic gags and exciting fight scenes. It was about human actions and interaction, and it was REAL.

The second, Dead Man's Chest, received a bit of lunacy in the form of giant squids and a 'squiddy' unkillable captain who somehow manages to achieve immortality even though his heart was OUTSIDE his chest. There was some element of the supernatural involved when Barbossa was brought back to life through some sea-witch. And then the lead character, Jack Sparrow, got swallowed by said giant squid. But we all knew it couldn't be the end of him, of course. After all, he's CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW! (to be uttered with drunken drawl while swaying back and forth)

The third, At World's End, is when the producers (or whoever writes the script) went really deep into their rum, port or vodka lime, take your pick. It takes otherworldly to a new level. Hitherto unknown goddesses of the sea spring up like enraged Amazonian Giant Women. Magical rocks turn into creepy crabs. Ships sail on desert sands. Characters are killed and return from the dead. (check out their idea of a seafarer's hell: rather unimaginative) But this piece of genius takes the cake: the director decides to turn his camera 180 degrees upside down and then right side up again.

I think they were running out of ideas. The whole series started out so well, with likeable characters, enjoyable dialogue, believable plots. Then the writers got carried away on their imagination (or rum) and the plot lines started getting as tangled as Elizabeth Swann's hair on a windy day. It got really difficult to tie up all those loose ends (and long list of characters) and give closure to a good pirate tale. Kill of some lesser characters here and there, kill off some main characters BUT bring them back to life again. Yada yada yada.

Ah well. Certainly not as bad as Matrix 3 or Superman. (Joseph will probably say that '300' was a lot worse.) And of course, it's nowhere near as bad as the three super hero babes: Aeon Flux, Ultraviolet, and... crap, I forgot one more.

Worth watching just to finish off the series, if you followed Pirates 1 and 2, but not worth watching twice. Which is unfortunate, since I'm watching it again in the cinema TOMORROW.

Nevermind, I'll just admire the delicious Orlando Bloom and try to pick up make-up tips from Jack Sparrow, whose black eyeliner simply DOES NOT BUDGE despite being subjected to swirling seas, the slimy belly of the Kraken, the Underworld, truckloads of rum, and being slapped around by offended prostitutes. Now THAT's supernatural.

Dreams do come true

2007-05-09T00:44:00.000-07:00

Talking with my colleagues during lunch today made me realise how fortunate I am.

They see me as living the life I want, chasing my dreams.

Seeing it from their perspective, my eyes were opened.

I've found my Grand Passion. I am living the life I want (to a certain extent), and living my dreams in full blooming technicolour.

Misja said I was lucky to have discovered something I'm so passionate about. He said that many people spend their lives searching, sometimes never finding it. He hasn't.

Come to think of it, I wasn't so crazy about it until this current partner. He has literally brought the stars down from the sky for me.

Before him, I had some nebulous dream about winning Blackpool. The passing of the years has shown that this will never happen.

With him has come realistic, achievable (SMART!) goals. Suddenly, I'm staring at the possibility of the SEA Games in a matter of months. He has swept me along on his desire to be ranked, to pit ourselves against the best in the country, to aim for a reachable star.

We've set short- and medium-term goals for our dancing, made priorities and sacrifices, discussed plans and our projections for the future. And I am blessed because our dreams (he would call it 'goals' or 'objectives', I prefer 'dreams'. Reveals the nature of our personalities, eh?) are very closely aligned.

I still want to dance at the Empress Ballroom during the UK Open championships, but the operative verb is 'dance', not 'win'. Simply to compete on that historical floor against couples from around the world will be enough for me.

But working with someone who shares the same goals/dreams is fantastic. Meeting up four to five times a week and slogging it out on the floor, ironing out the kinks, breaking down our routines, setting training schedules, repeating our steps till we can do it in our sleep... all the while moving toward the goal which seems ever more achievable... it's a great feeling.

I love dance. I have fun doing it. I could do it all day and all night and still ask for more.

But he has unwittingly channeled the enjoyment, fun and desire into a tangible, result-oriented activity.

And I'm loving it all the more because of this.

I didn't even realise it till today's casual lunchtime chat with my dear old colleagues, who I can always rely on to be honest and straightforward with their thoughts.

In this goal-setting respect, he's an even better partner for me than I ever imagined. I dance because I want to. He dances because he wants to be the best.

And laidback person that I am, that's fine by me!

He's given me a goal, a reachable star. I'm living my dreams. I hope it never ends.

Dancing at AIM

2007-05-04T11:09:00.000-07:00

We had the chance to perform at AIM 2007 last Saturday, and what a marvelous experience it was.

The whole day had been memorable. From 8 in the morning, we were dancing till 11 at night. (now that's my kind of Saturday =) )

The thrill of performing onstage, in front of a large audience, of lights, cameras and live music. A gorgeous dress, dramatic make-up, upswept hair, ridiculously high-heeled shoes.

And when everything came together... my partner and I moving as one - slick, swift, rhythmic dancing, clean footwork, sharp-hitting arm movements, that performer's smile on our faces, bodies moving to the music... it's simply amazing.

Elation, confidence, excitement, thrill, butterflies in the stomach.

Best of all, the second the performance is over, and you KNOW you gave one heck of a good show, that you did your best and you looked terrific, when the audience claps and cheers and shrieks... Taking your bow, savouring the moment.

Words fail.

To top off a wonderful day, we were in the dressing room after the performance when we found out the results of our competition: 2nd in C and 4th in B. Certainly better than expected. Great way to end a lovely day.

Once in a lifetime experience indeed.

Me Not Tai-Tai!

2007-04-17T01:27:00.000-07:00

I'm not as much of a tai-tai as I thought I'd be. Rather startled yet pleased by the revelation.

Just had a full day spa session as my birthday present this year. Joe got us a couples spa package.

I loved the treatments - massage and mani & pedi - but the rest of the time was spent sitting in a lounge, reading magazines or watching movies. While dressed in a strange green bathrobe that made all the spa-goers look like POWs.

I was cold, and slightly bored, and trying to avoid secondary smoke.

Was this what people did in spas???? Suddenly, my imaginings of the hedonistic, luxurious spa lifestyle was obliterated by stark reality. Man, these regular spa-goers have no life!

There are a million other things I could have done at home. If I was home, I'd have my own reading materials, DVDs, music, PC, pao-paos, etc. Without the strange green bathrobe and POW underclothes and dodging secondary smoke and freezing air conditioning. Granted, I wouldn't have a buffet spread, but I can always raid my fridge.

Anyhow, it was a good experience. But next time, I'm going for the RM40 Thai massage in a first-floor shoplot.

Tired, tired, tired

2007-03-16T03:09:00.000-07:00

I am the sleep queen. Therefore, I get grumpy when I don't get my 8 mandatory hours of shuteye.

I've been surviving on only 5-6 the past two weeks, darn it! I'm not functioning! I can't even write creatively.

Have been listening to Destiny's Child's "Emotions" so many times I'm amazed my colleagues haven't gone stark raving mad and grabbed me and chucked me out the window in a song-overdose-induced rage. Can't help it. It's a beautiful song. Try to imagine doing the rumba to it everytime I switch it on.

Unfortunately, when I try to picture dance in my mind, I have to shut my eyes and concentrate. That makes me look like I'm asleep... while sitting at my desk not 10 metres away from the boss. Not good.

It's Friday FINALLY. Thank the Lord! But I still have that darned report to hand in by end today. Darn it. Can I pay someone to do it for me? My mind is really not functioning anymore.

Let's listen to Emotions again. Woo hoo!

Light back in my life

2006-10-11T19:51:00.000-07:00

I'm dancing again.

Thank God.

It's like water to a thirsty desert, light to a creature in darkness, morphine to one who's in pain.
It's a soothing balm to my soul.

And yet, it's a flame that's ignited and now consumes everything in its path. It's the frustration of desiring and never having, dreaming and never achieving.

It's pain and pleasure. It's my sanity and my madness. It keeps me going, it wears me down. It's manic excitement, it's mundane waiting. It's joy and despair.

Where would I be without dance in my life?

Actions Speak For Themselves

2006-02-07T03:28:00.000-08:00

Throwing my two cents into the whole Islamic-cartoons-in-Danish-newspaper fiasco...

Has anyone ever mentioned the thought that the actions of the Muslims certainly speak for themselves?

Over a few cartoons, these people (admittedly a fanatical segment of them) have burnt flags and buildings, damaged public property, beat up and even KILLED innocent people who look white or remotely Danish.

Do they deserve the perceptions suggested in the cartoons?

It's said that in every rumour there's a grain of truth. How apt. Those cartoons would not have come about if there weren't any truth or basis in them at all.

Can they not see that they're reaffirming the world's perception of them by their own behaviour and reaction now?

There are always diplomatic, constructive channels to address the offence. There's much that can be resolved through talks, peaceful demonstrations, writing official complaints and economic action. What exactly do throwing rocks and burning flags achieve but the scorn and satisfaction of their supposed enemies who now feel justified in their low opinion of Muslims?

Peace-loving? Or violent?

Accepting? Or intolerant?

Civilised? Or barbarians?

Selflessness versus Practicality

2005-10-29T07:26:00.000-07:00

For lack of a better title... but I was actually thinking about the Christian life. To build up to the point I want to make, let's first set the base for the argument.

No. 1
Every good Christian knows that missions/evangelism/sharing the gospel/whatever term your church uses is the be all and end all of Christian living. It's the Great Commission. Every professing Christian should be involved or at least show some concern about missions, to a greater or lesser extent.

No. 2
Christians are called to a self sacrificial life. The pursuit of wealth or pleasure for pleasure's sake is regarded as vulgar. We are to give to the poor, take care or the orphans and widows. The needs of others should be placed above the needs of oneself. In other words, to live a selfless life.

The Issue
Coming to the crunch - how practical is this kind of life? I'm not even talking about the comfort and convenience, but the basic practicality of it.

I just witnessed a real-life scenario which brought this issue starkly to life.

There's an earnest, devoted Christian family, and I mean the entire clan - aunts, uncles, cousins. All are somehow or other deeply involved in Christian work - pastor, elder, youth worker. You name it, someone in the family's doing it. They encourage their children to serve the Lord in whatever way possible. Those who have 'secular' jobs are in the 'noble' professions such as teaching.

They're kind folks who do the best they can and serve the Lord whole-heartedly.

We're in Malaysia, and it goes without saying that no one in this family is rich by any standards.

One day, the elderly man in the family falls ill - the kind of illness that causes immobility, helplessness and a drastic change in his life. Being the loving, caring family they are, everyone rallies together. Many changes and adjustments will have to be made. This is the kind of illness whose effects are felt beyond the primary sufferer. At the very least, the sufferer needs constant, round-the-clock care and a special diet. To improve his chances even more, he needs regular medical attention and physiotherapy, equipment such as a wheelchair, special bed, and other things that a bedridden person would require.

The entire family gathers together, and there is comfort in their love and sense of shared burden. But beyond that, they need money. Hard, cold cash. For nursing care, doctor's bills, treatment, medicine, equipment, special diet... for everything.

It's a large, three-generational clan. But nobody has the money! Not the middle-aged parents, or the working young adults. I doubt there's insurance.

What happens to the elderly man? His elderly wife is already exhausted from caring and worrying and not knowing what to do. Yet he is not receiving the standard of care he should be getting.

Contrast this with a family that is reasonably well off. (And yes, it's a Christian family as well.) It's a hardship when a beloved family member suffers a debilitating illness, but having the financial means to be able to care for the sufferer takes a huge burden off the family. And the sufferer receives the best possible chance of recovery and regaining some semblance of his former life.

So how do we square the issues?

A Christian colleague once shared with me: she thought that sometimes, Christians get carried away with their desire to serve and give their lives to the Cause. She used the word 'dreamy'. I agree whole-heartedly.

Christians with their head in the clouds fail to realise that there are practical issues to deal with when making such monumental decisions. There will always be bills to pay.

Who's going to take care of your aged parents when you run off to the far-flung corners of the earth to mingle with tribespeople? What happens if you have children? What if there are emergencies? When your elderly parents fall ill, where's the money for medical bills going to come from?

Some like to give the standard answer of having faith in God and trusting Him to provide.

Is God going to pay the hospital bills with a heavenly credit card?

What about the commandment in the Bible that a Christian should take care of his family?

All that selfless altruism is fine when it's just you. Go live in the jungle and no one will miss you. But if you have dependents, people who need you, how can you leave them to fend for themselves while you give all your time, energy and attention to people whom you don't even know from Adam? Where's the logic in that?

I wish that family had the money. Two generations of working adults and they can't support one frail old man's illness. What if (God forbid) something else happens? Someone loses their savings, a house catches fire, an accident, another illness???

I wish that family had the money. I wish God will work a miracle and send a gift to them. Better yet, I wish God would heal the old man!

But it's not likely to happen, is it?

What Batman Taught Me

2005-07-12T12:30:00.000-07:00

I just realised my last entry was inspired by a movie. Guess what drives me to put my thoughts in cyberspace this time?

Batman Begins

This started out originally as an email to close friends. Was told by Joe that I should put it in my blog. (You really think it's that good, sweety? Heh heh.) Why not? Hey, if I'm going to prepare a sermon (as he put it), I might as well plonk it where the whole world can see...

Watched 'Batman Begins' for the 2nd time last night.

This time round, several themes from the movie struck me as having similarities in the Bible. For those of you who haven't watched, don't read on... it will spoil the experience.

For those of you who have watched, remember that unforgettable line
"It's not who I am underneath; it's what I do that defines me."

What does that tell us about our actions? What we do and what we say and how we represent ourselves as followers of Jesus to other people? Look at James chapter 2:

v 17: In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.
v 20: Do you want evidence that faith without deeds is useless?
v 22: You see that his faith and his actions were working together, and his faith was made complete by what he did.

So it's not just what we believe in our hearts - it's how we behave in our everyday lives that matter. The movie reinforced this for me.

Other memorable themes were that of vengeance vs compassion and forgiveness, and standing up for what's right even against overwhelming odds, and not to let cynicism and world-weariness make us jaded.

There are so many parallels between Gotham city and our world - so much that is wrong, corrupted and twisted. It's easy to give in to despair and not bother about making a difference. But that's precisely what the Bible calls us to do - to be salt and light, even when the 'meat' is completely rotten like Gotham, KL or New York.

We may not have an ultracool Batmobile, a super anti-gun, anti-knife, anti-bomb Batsuit, or nice gadgets to help us jump and fly around rooftops. But what we do have is a lot of super-duper holy armour from God:

13 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14 Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15 and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace.

And Amen to that!!!

Good movies are a treasure. For those who haven't watched, go catch it quick before the Bat flies away from cinemas!

I like this picture - the silent observer, standing in the rain.

It was a tough fight between this or the one above - the still, contemplative hero shrouding his being and his thoughts behind his dark cape.

Crusades: What did it achieve?

2005-05-10T14:40:00.000-07:00

Watched 'Kingdom of Heaven' last night. Certainly not a bad film. But I left feeling sad. So much blood spilt over a little piece of dusty land. To what aim?

There really are all kinds of people in this world. Fundamentalists and fanatics exist in every religion, race and culture. And it takes just a small group to create havoc... much like a bad apple in a basket.

On a lighter note, I was telling my partner that if a woman had led both the Muslims and Catholics, there would be no bloodshed. Ha ha.

The movie made me wonder how often the phrase "God wills it/It's the will of God" had been used (or more likely, misused) over the centuries by all the nutters trying to achieve their own agendas. How dare they assume to know the mind and purposes of the Almighty? Unfortunately, this still happens today. And not just on a global, political scale.
The "will of God" excuse occurs in many churches, mosques, gatherings, meetings, demonstrations, conferences, etc etc etc. Who can truly fathom the will of God? What mere mortal can claim to understand the workings of the Creator?

The movie has made me keen to find out more about the crusades. Exactly what happened, where, when, how, who, why. But on the other hand, I dread the research I'll have to do. Because history and the interpretation of history is so very subjective. It really depends on who did the telling. What are the chances that a Muslim and Christian perspective of the crusades will turn out the same in all areas? How will I discern the truth?

Well, we all have to start somewhere. Time to read up.

What has become of the church?

2005-04-12T18:48:00.000-07:00

Last Sunday's unbelievable sermon left me wondering if Joseph and I were the only sane people in a world gone mad.

We preach love and compassion, yet verbally attack our brothers of the Catholic faith during Sunday morning worship service. It was unjustified, undeserved and inexcusable.

Yes, we have doctrinal differences and some of those that were told to us were probably true. But the entire tone, manner and approach of the so-called sharing was wrong, wrong, wrong. Literally. "Catholics are wrong! They have sinned! Those who associate with them are not Christian!"

What broke my heart was the way the congregation clapped and nodded their assent after the 'sharing' was over. Didn't anyone feel disturbed? Uneasy? Worried for the future of the church? For supposedly godly people to agree heartily with this kind of sharing... what next? I had visions of flaming torches, pitchforks and screaming crowds demanding blood.

What happened to tolerance? Seeking understanding? Religious harmony? Reaching out in love?

Are we now going to tear down Buddhist statues and plant bombs in mosques?

The final blow was when I realised that the church leadership allowed this 'sharing' but prohibited Damien Chua from coming to share about his abduction experience and how God (apparently) miraculously freed him from his captors. The bitterness was hard to swallow. Damien Chua's disallowed speech had been a thorn in my side for the longest time - it was difficult to forgive and forget, especially when I didn't even get an answer as to why he was not encouraged to come share. Sunday's Catholic-bashing incident just brought back all the old hurt in a fresh new way. I wanted to yell at someone: "You allow this hate-inciting, vicious attack on an undefended group of people during Sunday service, but prohibited a person who wanted to share a personal experience that testified to the goodness of God????"

To the Catholics, I apologise. I regret the incident and I hope it never happens again. Understand that the views expressed 2 days ago are not held by all of us (Protestants), or even many of us.

It's worrying, this conservative road that our church is heading down. What's with all the 'reformed theology' and almost exclusive hymn-singing? What happened to the church I knew and loved? It's getting lost in all the doctrine, dogma and inflexible attitudes that are cropping up alarmingly more frequently.

Someone highly interested in deep doctrine comes to the church, and suddenly, almost overnight, it was all about the Westminster Catechism, reformed theology, orthodox church music and Presbyterian views.

I wonder what the Father, the Lord Jesus and the Holy Spirit really think about these things. Is He happy with our actions? Is He proud of what we've done, or not done, in His name? Do all these serve the end purpose of giving glory to God?

Sometimes, I'm amazed that God hasn't struck us all with lightning and be done with it. Look how we've screwed up: the Anglicans and their gay archbishop, Southern Baptists and their racism, the Middle Age church and their crusades, the Catholics and their indulgences. And we're supposed to be the salt and light of the world!

To the youth in the church: always let God's Word and the Holy Spirit be your guide, liberally peppered with love, wisdom and understanding. Religion is never just about dogma and rules; it's about people.
Let's hope our youth, and I, will do better.

Everyone should have birthdays like this

2005-02-22T18:54:00.000-08:00

Hello, world wide web.

Promised myself that I would start a blog, but never got around to it. So what gave me the final push to start?

Money to Burn

Valentine's Day.

The idea that someone would cough up RM200+ for a bunch of thorny flowers, RM500+ for dinner for two and other astronomical sums that the florists, gift shops and restaurants charge, is just amazing.

Just came across an article in the paper detailing how competitive the so-called Day of Lovers is turning out to be in our friendly neighbour across the Johor straits. Kiasu Singaporeans are making the flower industry ecstatic over their no-holds-barred approach to outdoing one another in the Valentine's stakes. Women sent flowers to themselves at their workplace just to enjoy the supposedly envious looks of their colleagues. And then they became jealous anyway when the girl in the next cubicle got a bigger, more elaborate bouquet (which she probably sent to herself as well).

What's with all these people?

For the last time, Valentine's Day is just an excuse for crass commercialism. The only ones who really benefit (read: profit) from Valentine's are those businesses that can somehow cash in on the sentiments of the season... and on the gullibility of the poor sods who choose Feb 14 (out of all the 365 days) to declare their love.

My sympathies to the boyfriends who've had to reluctantly shell out large chunks of moolah to make their women happy. Then again, if the silly man's silly enough to date/marry a female who makes such a fuss over one ordinary day of the year, he deserves to burn a big hole in his pocket.

Being the brilliant person I am, I date a man who, like me, doesn't give a flying fig about Valentine's. I received an sms on Feb 14 from said man that read:

"merry gong shi valentine dear. Have a good day!"

Check it out - a Chinese New Year-cum-Valentine greeting all rolled into one. Sometimes, he's almost as brilliant as I am. Needless to say, I did have a good day. Especially since I didn't even realise what day it was.

This is so much better...

Instead, almost a month ago, I had my own special celebration. It was my B-day. Check out what happened:

The raw materials

Ham Choy fish & the rest of my surprise birthday dinner

Trail of rose petals from the lift to my desk the next morning

99 roses and a pile of presents

My desk sprouted roses overnight